Do you have to tell past partners you have herpes?

The most ethical approach is to tell anyone whom was exposed to the virus. This is the hardest thing to do, and that’s why a lot of people won’t tell past partners.

Why should you tell them?

Most people with herpes will not know they have an infection. Informing them will give them the opportunity to access the treatment they need.

Herpes have long-term complications. Telling your partner will give them the opportunity to make informed decisions about their own health. They may well want to get tested themself, obtain treatment and take precautions not to pass the infection to others.

If the Situation Were Reversed

The other way to look at this is if the situation were reversed… If they had sex with you, then they found out they had an infection long after you were together, but there was a chance they had it while you were intimate with one another, would you want them to contact you so you could get tested, get treated (where applicable), and then make sexual health choices accordingly? Most people would answer a solemn ‘yes’ to that.

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Advice on Telling Past Sexual Partners

It’s a really tough thing to disclose herpes to previous partners – you can feel horribly embarrassing, and the prospect of the different kinds of reactions your previous partners might have is frightening. Usually, the most ethical approach is the most difficult – if it were easy, there wouldn’t be ethical dilemmas. How should you approach this?

Don't beat yourself up

Make your partner aware that you are telling them because you care for them and realise what might happen if they were left in ignorance. Be proud of the fact that you have taken the decision to tell them and found the courage to carry it through. You are more likely to retain their respect if you are honest from the start than if they found out later. (for example, if they were diagnosed after they developed symptoms)

Your chance of transmitting herpes is relatively low

Your chance of transmitting herpes is relatively low, but there was still a chance. If they transmitted HSV1 to you genitally (like via oral sex), it’s also important they know the risk there and that it’s a relevant risk, because that knowledge could change the types of safer sex methods they incorporate in the future.

There are a couple of awesome apps that help you do it without having to identify yourself.

Don’t Spread It (U.S., email and text-based)
InSPOT (U.S., e-card based)
Time2Test.org (U.S., ecards)
So They Can Know (U.S., email-based)
Let Them Know (Australia, email and text-based)
The Drama Downunder (Australia, e-card and text-based)
GMFA’s Online Partner Notification Service (UK, email-based, text-based)

Give your partner the facts

Your partner may well have a lot of questions, such as what the symptoms are, what tests are needed and what treatment is available. Give your partner time to talk and be a patient listener. You may have been given reliable information from reliable websites.

Inspirational Stories from people had the talks

Same thing happened to me. I felt like the biggest scumbag in the whole world bc that's not who I am as a person. I always disclose. I told him the next day. He was upset at first then texted me a week later saying he didnt hate me but that was a lot to handle. I found out he had a gf and cheated on her with me, so I dont feel to terrible but still glad I told him and hopefully he did the right thing and got tested. I havent talked to him since. Hopefully it works out for you.

I’ve had a similar instance happen to me and I told him the day after. He was stressed out thinking he got it (uneducated about hsv) and I educated him on how we used protection and I’m on meds daily so it’s a low chance he would get it.

I helped him find a place to get tested and once things came back negative we continued to see each other for a little while after. Just think about how you would want someone to tell you and what would be running through your head if you heard that news.

Did my past partners gave me herpes?

You're never going to be able to know who gave it to you, you may have been carrying this for many years and slept with these people. There may be circumstances in which you are certain that you acquired herpes from a partner. For example, you may never have had sex at all before the relationship or had a check giving you the 'all clear' before this relationship started.

It's better not trying to find out who gave it to you. Why does it matter? It would dig up a lot of pain in a lot of people, and with the awful stigma HSV has, it could really fuck up your life. You’re a adult. You all can make your own decisions and take your own risks.

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