How to tell someone you have herpes: Story from someone who has done it

Tips and advice from people with herpes who have the talks

Here’s how to tell your someone that you have herpes, as comfortably and painlessly as possible. Loanzon shared her exprience.

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1. Come prepared.

Regardless of how undeserved the stigma is, jumping right into your herpes status can be jarring in any scenario—and Watson suggests easing into it with a line like: "I have something that I need to share with you and I hope you are open to having a discussion with me about it."

"Compose a script if it helps express what you are feeling, and understand if your partner may want in-depth information versus the surface medical information.

Your partner will likely have questions, and you want to be able to provide them with accurate, nerve-quieting information that makes your status feel as normal as it really and truly is, so come armed with herpes facts.

Explain that herpes is way more common than people realize—an estimated 776,000 people in the U.S. get new infections each year, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Plus, be prepared to tell your S.O. if you're on a medication (like Valtrex or Famvir) to manage any outbreaks, and exactly how thatRx can reduce their risk of infection.

2. Timing is everything.

"I encourage disclosure to a partner when you think things may get sexually intimate at some point," Loanzon says. "Perhaps it is after your second date, perhaps it is when you are an exclusive relationship." But whatever you do, don't wait until you're in the heat of the moment and too horny to have a real discussion about your STD history.

3. Consider the location.

No, you might not want to make this announcement in the middle of a crowded restaurant. You might not want to make this pillow talk, either. "Aim for your disclosure location to be someplace quiet where you are able to speak freely, and not be worried if someone is overhearing your conversation," says Loanzon. "The conversation may become emotionally charged and upsetting, so it’s best to be some place safe and free from distraction."

Maybe in your own home, or theirs—someplace with an easy exit, just in case one of you feels uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

4. Channel that confidence.

This is a nerve-wracking moment, for sure, but Loanzon emphasizes that confidence helps it go as smoothly as possible. "It is important to realize that there are many people living with the virus successfully and happily," she says. "Being herpes-positive does not mean that you are not lovable. You may be surprised: when you disclose, they may disclose they have herpes too!"

"This virus doesn't define you," Watson adds. "This is something that you have to live with and most likely that just means taking a pill daily and using protection. Don't let the stigma take over. You are not the virus, you didn't choose to contract it."

5. Remember that assholes don't deserve your time.

No matter how misplaced herpes panic may be, it exists, and it may mean your partner reacts in a less-than-satisfactory way when you tell them about your status. "Please realize that others may be afraid of the virus, it's not you!" Loanzon stresses, while also calling out one notable silver lining: "Herpes can be a natural filter for dating, and eliminate those who will not surround you with support and love."

"If someone responds negatively or ignorantly," Watson notes, "you might not be able to change their minds with information. Let them go." You have to be vulnerable in this moment, and while you can do your best to educate your partner, you shouldn’t have to try to convince them to stick around if they get hung up on the herpes.

Because if someone acts immediately hurtful or offensive, or if they’re scared off by your diagnosis, they’re probably not worth your time long-term anyway.

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Tips about herpes talks

When should you disclose your HSV status?

You don’t have to bring up herpes the very first time you talk to someone new, Warren says, but you should at some point before you have sex. “You are more likely to have a positive reception to that news if you have built some sort of relationship. If you tell too early and there’s no reason for this person to be invested in you, then you may get a negative response very quickly,” she says.

How do you tell someone you have herpes?

The hardest part may be deciding how to broach the subject. The specific words and phrases you use will obviously be highly individual depending on what kind of relationship you’re building. In general, though, don’t make a big deal of it. You never know—your partner may divulge he or she also has herpes. And if they have the same type of the virus as you, they can’t get “reinfected,” Dr. Baldwin says. (The herpes virus stays in a person’s body even after symptoms have subsided.)

You could start the conversation by mentioning cold sores, then move into the subject of genital herpes. You could also start by saying you want to be honest in the relationship, or that you want to discuss safe sex. “It can be a very difficult conversation to have, but you should be honest and straightforward,” says Dr. Baldwin.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have Herpes

Before we get into the practical side of having sex with herpes, it’s important to cover another topic that many infected people worry about—telling their sexual partners.

You may disclose your status to your sexual partner is fairly straightforward. After all, upwards of 50% of the population has HSV-1, meaning there’s a good chance that your partner as has the virus.

If you have HSV-2 or an HSV-1 infection that affects your genitals, disclosing your status could be more challenging. The best approach is to explain how common herpes is and focus on how manageable and mild the virus typically is.

It’s also important to explain how the herpes virus spreads, and how safe sex practices such as using condoms or dental dams in combination with suppressive herpes medication like valacyclovir can help lower the risk of spreading the virus.

Finally, it’s important to pick the right setting. Don’t tell your partner you have herpes when the two of you are in bed together about to have sex, and definitely don’t be irresponsible by telling them about your herpes status after you’ve already had sex.

Instead, choose a natural moment in conversation to quickly, clearly and casually explain your situation. Share statistics about how common herpes is and stay upbeat—statistically speaking, there’s a chance your partner might also have been waiting to tell you the same thing.

If you’re considering a serious relationship with someone, it can also be worth getting tested for herpes together. If your partner already has the same type of herpes as you (remember, many people with herpes don’t even know they have it), your situation is a lot less complicated.

Explaining to your partner that you have herpes doesn’t need to be difficult. Most people are kind, sympathetic and understanding, especially after you put the virus in context by sharing statistics about how common herpes really is. Though HSV-1 and HSV-2 transmission probability is still existent, it's generally not as serious as reactionary internet articles would have you believe. Just be open, honest and safe.

I figured out my “style” for disclosure on dates

Hey, everyone! After a very rough year of finding out that I have HSV2 and being very depressed and suicidal, I finally got better and started dating again. It took a lot of time and internal debates to figure out how I would do it but I figured I would share in case anyone wants to know!

So here’s my strategy:

Date 1 and Date 2 should be all about trying to determine if this is someone you could trust enough to not blab about your status. It’s also when you try and figure out if they’re even worth having a third date and being physical with. Only then do I disclose through text. My text messages are simple and to the point. My reason for not doing this disclosure in person is because depending on how I feel that day and my level of comfort with this person, the way I deliver my status and information about HSV2 could be off-putting to the person. Additionally, you don’t know if this person will get mad at you for not telling them in the first place. And if the person takes it badly in any way (especially if you don’t them enough to know how they act when they are angry), it’s safer to not be in physical proximity to them.

My texts usually go like this: “Hey! This is usually the time, after the second date, when I decide whether or not I want to move further with dating someone or even trust them enough to share things about myself. Anyway, I’ll leave it to you to do your research, but I have GHSV2. If that’s not cool with you, then no worries. No harm, no foul. I just wanted to do what wasn’t done for me, and let you make the decision. Take your time. There’s no pressure.”

Anyway, I think doing it through text makes it easy for both sides to really reflect on how they want to respond without feeling pressured to put on a physical front. Also, if you keep your points straightforward and leave out any emotions and let them do their own research to make their own decision, it takes things out of your hands and really feels freeing because you know that you haven’t done anything to really sway them in one direction or the other. Their choice to move forward with you is based on their choice alone!

Of all the guys I’ve told (about six now), they’ve all been appreciative of my disclosure and thanked me for being honest with them, and continued to still want to have sex with me. I only told two guys who I texted for a week on Tinder and never met in person who ended up ghosting me, but I think that’s because we never met in person, which makes ghosting super easy. That’s why I went with the second date approach.

First Disclosure -Success Story

This was my first disclosure after finding out I had GHSV1 reasonably recently. Ironically I was disclosing to a Doctor. I had real fear after my GP (who diagnosed me) treated me so appallingly though, and feared he'd react the same way. Fortunately, it seemed to go well.

I was aiming to tell him on our 4th date but bottled it, we were taking things very slow so it never came to a moment where I could or needed to tell him but the next day I decided to text him and put it on the table. His response was: "Thank you for your honesty. It's super cool of you to feel close enough to open up to me. We can discuss it more when we meet next. I'm not exactly an expert haha. Thankfully all of these things are manageable in some way or another 😊" I'm not sure where this thing is headed and I fear he might change his mind and ghost but it was such a relief to put it out there and be received with respect. There is hope and good people out there.

Disclosure Guide:

Why disclose in the first place?

Remember how you felt when you were first diagnosed? Yeah... Don't be the person to give that feeling to someone else. It's fucked up and no one deserves to feel like that. Lets end this cycle together. If you would rather lie by omission for fear of rejection in the name of sexual gratification and objectification of your partner, then you have some serious moral issues you need to attend to.

Honesty is always my number one priority. Even if having a one night stand, I will always tell my partner before hand. I told my girlfriend (before we were going out), right before we hooked up for the first time. It kind of sucked, I could tell she was a little turned off and scared but I remained confident and explained to her the facts and it went over smoothly.

How to actually do it?

So in terms of disclosure, its not about what you say exactly, but how you say it. If your coming off as scared or in-confident, the partner will think that they should have something to be scared of too and will be put off. Keep this in mind!! In terms of what works here are some ideas, its all about context really.

Say if we were hitting it off really well at a house party and we wanted to go home together. Right before we leave (as we are getting our jackets and shit together) I would say something like this: "Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads up before we go home together. I was DIAGNOSED (not have) with herpes XX months ago. I am really looking forward to our night together, but even if we have protected sex there is a tiiiiny chance you could contract it too, about 1-3% (not during an outbreak). A lot of people do not disclose, but I know it is the right thing to do because someone else took my right to decide away. Actually, 1/6 people have it, and 75% of those people don't even know they have it in the first place. It is literally the same thing as the cold sores you get on your mouth. So if you get cold sores you have herpes too! It really is not that big of a deal, but I am telling you now before we leave together out of respect. (people really dig that shit, especially if it is a girl for a one night stand). Do you have any questions for me?" (this puts the ball on their side of the court and allows them to give an easy response)

I try to tell them before we get heated so it doesn't spoil the moment. That technique above has worked before for me.

Telling girls I have herpes has actually gotten me laid. If you tell them before you leave and she comes back with you, there is no doubt you will bang. If they didn't want the D, that is an opportunity for them to back out before you leave the party. (and you wont be wasting each other's time if sex is your intention). Also girls worry about respect and safety if they are going home with a guy they are not familiar with. By telling them something so honest and kind hearted it removes any doubt they may have had of your character before! You might be surprised, they could even be like "I have herpes too, doesn't matter, lets bang". After all 1/6 right?

In terms of someone your are seeing consistently (before sex obviously) I would recommend telling them on your second or third date. Let the conversation get there, don't just blurt it out of nowhere. Kind of the same vibe as above. BE CONFIDENT. By you showing there is nothing to worry about, they wont worry as well. State the facts, brush up on your statistics, be honest, succinct, and of course smile!

If you want to pull out the big guns try coming up with a catch phrase. For girls: "There is a 97% chance you wont get herpes from me, but a 100% chance I will ride you until you cum". Guys: "I am 97% sure you wont get herpes from me, but 100% sure I will eat you out until you cum all over my face".

Don't fear rejection

Everyone is allowed to decline sex for whatever reason they feel. After all, that is what makes sex so beautiful in the first place.

Got rejected?

If you get rejected after disclosing it is possible that they did not even want to have sex anyway. Go back to the drawing board. Come up with a better strategy for next time, or even easier just try talking to someone else.

All in all... Keep your head held high, respect yourselves and your partners. Good luck out there and stay safe! With love, acherrypoptart

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