Should you tell a partner you have herpes?
It's natural to be concerned about telling a new partner that you have genital herpes. Fear of being rejected and perhaps being uncomfortable about sexual health concerns makes it a tricky subject to bring up. Here is one post from our users.
I was diagnosed with genital herpes in November of last year and I don't know how to disclose this in my relationships. I am a very sexual person and like to engage in casual sex sometimes but the thought of telling someone that I have herpes scares me a lot. It scares me so much that I have failed to tell some people that I have been with because I am scared they would reject me or even hurt me in some way.
I feel like I always have this dark secret looming over me because I never know what reaction to expect from people as herpes has a huge stigma around it. I just want to get to the point where I feel comfortable being able to tell whomever I am with that I have this virus without feeling like I am less than that of a good person.
Inaccurate and stigmatising articles and advertising have contributed to many of us having a lot of negative beliefs related to herpes that make it difficult to convince ourselves that others would want to be with us. It’s important to recognise these beliefs and consciously change them. Accepting the fact that you have herpes and are still the same person you were before will make it easier to have a fulfilling relationship.
Should you tell a partner you have herpes?
Definitely. It is more likely that your partner will respect your openness and honesty and it will be an opportunity to take your relationship to a deeper level of trust and understanding.
If you cannot be open about your diagnosis with sexual partners, you are not ready to be having sex yet. You may speak to a therapist to become comfortable with this and move forward with your life in a way that does not have the potential to cause harm to others.
In the meantime, try Positive Singles so you can hook up with other HSV+ individuals and take this weight off your shoulders.
Not ready for "Herpes talks"? Meet nearby people with herpes
PositiveSingles is one of the most popular dating websites for people suffering from herpes and other STD. It was initiated in 2001. With 1,510,800+ members you are sure to find lots of potentail people around you.
Disclose your HSV status to anyone you’re getting involved with. We encourage everyone to share their diagnosis with their partners so that everyone can make the healthiest decisions for themselves.
Most people find that their partners are both supportive and understanding. It is a common assumption to initially think that a person may base their judgement of you on the fact you have genital herpes. However, for most this is a minor skin infection. People fear the possibility of rejection but the reality of this is that it rarely happens.
Why you should risk talking about herpes
Because fear of rejection is a concern, it leads some to question why they should risk talking about herpes. Some people choose not to tell partners and hope for the best. They don't have sex during an outbreak and practice safe sex by using condoms. Even when you avoid sex during outbreaks, use condoms and follow other safe sex practices, there’s still a risk of transmitting the virus.
This strategy may have more disadvantages than advantages. First of all, you spend a lot of time and energy worrying that your partner is going to get herpes. It’s much harder to tell someone if they just found out they’re infected with herpes. For most people, the anxiety over not telling your partner you have herpes is worse than the telling itself.
On the other hand, by telling your partner you have herpes and allowing them to enter into the relationship with full knowledge of your infection, you reduce the likelihood of them becoming infected with herpes. This is because, when you have an outbreak, you can discuss it with your partner instead of making excuses for why you can’t have sex. Excuses create distance between partners and often lead to misunderstanding and guesswork.
Your partner might interpret your excuses in ways more detrimental to the relationship than an honest discussion of genital herpes would be.
If you are able to discuss the situation openly and honestly, you can find imaginative ways to be ‘safely’ sexually intimate.
That’s the moral part of the equation. Then there’s the legal part, says Terri Warren, an adult nurse practitioner and spokesperson for the American Sexual Health Association. “There are so many lawsuits of people suing someone else for giving them herpes. You don't want that to be you.
Put yourself in their shoes
You want to be honest and responsible and treat someone with a respect you wish you had been extended before you got the virus? Or would you rather roll the dice, hope that you don’t pass it along and if you do, deal with that guilt?
When making the decision to disclose this information, it is useful to put yourself in their shoes - would you have wanted to know your infecting partner had herpes before you had sex with him/her? Telling all future partners works best, for many reasons. First, they will be given the opportunity to make an informed decision about the future of their own health.
In a relationship, "not telling" can cause anxiety and stress affecting your emotional and sexual health. For most people the anxiety over not telling is worse than the telling itself and they find their partners both supportive and understanding. By telling your partner, you are opening up the opportunity to have an honest and shared discussion about other sexual health concerns.
There are plenty of people choose to disclose
Why disclose in the first place? Remember how you felt when you were first diagnosed? Yeah... Don't be the person to give that feeling to someone else. It's fucked up and no one deserves to feel like that. Lets end this cycle together. If you would rather lie by omission for fear of rejection in the name of sexual gratification and objectification of your partner, then you have some serious moral issues you need to attend to.
Honesty is always my number one priority. Even if having a one night stand, I will always tell my partner before hand. I told my girlfriend (before we were going out), right before we hooked up for the first time. It kind of sucked, I could tell she was a little turned off and scared but I remained confident and explained to her the facts and it went over smoothly.
How to tell someone you have herpes after sleeping with them
What are the reasons you didn't tell them? It’s super easy to find all the reasons in the world why we shouldn’t do something. Anyway, what are your reasons? Get clear with them. Be honest and know what was holding you back.
- It just got so hot and heavy and all of a sudden you were doing it.
- Were you scared of the rejection?
- Were you reconnecting with a past lover and scared to tell them you got it on while they were away?
Regardless, dig deep and keep asking yourself why until you get to the real reason. It’s important for you to understand and also to let your partner know why. It’s hard to forgive a bullshitter and we can have compassion when someone is talking from their heat. Remember...honesty is the key here.
Why It’s Important To Tell Your Lover. Honesty is super important. Maybe this is the start of your relationship, starting off with a huge secret can be like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Also, if you keep one secret then it’s easier to keep more secrets and then pretty soon it's a house of cards. You may put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn’t you want to know?
Herpes dating sites give people with herpes and other infections a way to skip awkward disclosures altogether.
On herpes sites like Positive Singles and MPWH, users are expected to be open about their diagnoses, but because they know everyone else there has an STD, too, it removes a huge barrier—and the question of whether the information will send a potential partner packing.
It’s a great way to see you’re still the same interesting, sexy, desirable person. Herpes dating site like PositiveSingles helps rebuild the confidence that gets hammered down when you get that diagnosis.
The #1 dating site to meet other people with herpes
PositiveSingles is one of the most popular dating websites for people suffering from herpes and other STD. It was initiated in 2001. With 1,510,800+ members you are sure to find lots of potentail people around you.