Inspirational Stories

Five months ago, my world was rocked to the core, every vestige of progress and mental growth I had ever gained was shattered. I gotgenital herpes. Devastation and utter despair were the only words I could fathom. I cried. I felt shame. Guilt. Disgust … Hopelessness. The same emotions that most all of us share when diagnosed.

I spent most of my time blaming myself for bad choices and blaming society for creating and buying into a shameful herpes stigma. I even felt like I deserved to get herpes because I had sex out of marriage; my Christian upbringing came back to slam in me in the gut, telling me God was punishing me for my wanton behavior.

I think all of us with this condition have similar experiences: shame, depression, wanting to talk about it, but fearing who you can trust. But eventually, that seed of inner strength started to speak to me. I felt like I had two choices: 1) find a way to accept my new reality or 2) live in a pit of despair.

The pit of despair was something I felt pretty comfortable with as I’ve always struggled with depression and never felt good enough. But then I started talking to friends and all of them were very supportive and kept saying the same thing, “Herpes does not define you. You are still the same person.” And then I found the Herpes Opportunity website with so many others who were struggling just like me. And I found Adrial Dale who started to frame this condition in a healthy manner. And I kept reading and talking and thinking. I saw my therapist and then a new age hypnotherapist. The message was consistent, “You’re still you and this is a hardship, but it’s not the end of your life. You are lovable.”

And then it started to sink in. The seed started to grow.

I started to think that maybe I was given this “opportunity” to finally grow into the person I need to be. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but lessons are never easy. I had spend 38 years of my life feeling sorry for myself, playing a victim, never really being happy with what I have. And when I got herpes, it was my wake up call. My inner strength (that was there all along) was forced to reveal itself because my only other choice was death (figuratively). I could lay down and give up on life or I could pull the strength from my core and finally embrace it.

Other thoughts also quickly appeared: “Maybe I’m meant to help others. Maybe I have the courage to help change society’s perception. Maybe I could speak out.” Ideas rapidly came about visiting schools and talking about my experience. Part of my anger over this experience is that I was truly ignorant about how to get and spread herpes; I didn’t know that condoms don’t protect you; I didn’t know that so many people have no herpes symptoms; and I didn’t know that STD tests don’t include an actual herpes test.

I was also one of the people who thought being careful was good enough. I was part of the society who created this stigma. I have now started thinking that I can be part of the change. It has only been a short five months since my herpes diagnosis, so these are still just thoughts. But these ideas have turned my harsh reality into something I can do to help myself and others. Starting to give others support brings a joy that I was lacking.

I realize now that I am lovable, worthy and, actually, strong.

It’s not the ideal way to realize this but it has become my opportunity. Accepting that I have herpes has somehow translated into an acceptance of me as a valuable woman. I write this in hopes to inspire you to find your inner strength and realize that herpes isn’t a death sentence socially or emotionally. I’m not saying that every day is easy. I’ve struggled my entire life to feel lovable, good enough and happy, but instead of herpes being the final straw in my life struggle, it’s provided a way for me to see clearly who I really am.

I am a beautiful, worthy, amazing and awesome woman.

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What I wish I knew when I was first diagnosed with herpes

When I first diagosed with herpes, I was devastated. I came home and processed the news. I remember feeling like my life was pretty much over – I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex again, never have another relationship and that my life was pretty much over as far as love goes. Who would accept someone like me? Herpes! Wow, you may as well have said I had The Plague or leprosy. It would have hit me just as hard. I took a bit of time to process and then I decided to reach out to see what resources were out there. I needed more information, I needed to understand this and I needed to know if I was the only one on the planet with this “sentence.”

I found some support sites for people who had herpes and I started reaching out and talking to people. I joined a local herpes support group and then other herpes social sites and through all these sites. I started to develop friendships and to see from the experience of others that maybe my life was not, in fact, over. I went on outings with my local group and developed some really nice friendships and started to see that herpes does not need to define us or degrade us. I have had the pleasure of meeting some of the most interesting, intelligent, caring people through this experience with herpes.

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I could see from these outings that we are just people and that herpes doesn’t make us any less of a person. In fact, it made us more understanding and accepting of ourselves and others. On our outings, herpes was definitely not the focus of our conversation. Being with them made me feel normal and accepted and human again and it really helped me to start to heal and get my perspective on what this really all meant.

Now that it has been almost a year since my first diagnosis, there are things that I wished I had known when I diagnosed with herpes.

I meet lots of amazing people because of herpes

I have met people from all over the United States, Canada and locally and have formed some really great friendships with people who have made my life so much richer for having met them. I have a much broader view of life and have learned so much about myself and what my priorities really are.

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I wish I had known all the personal growth that would come as a result of having herpes.

For the first time in my life, because of herpes, I took the time after my divorce to really examine what happened, to do the work required to heal and to take the time for me that I had never done in my life before. Before herpes, I just went from one bad relationship to another looking for the approval that I really needed to give to myself. Now, with herpes, I have taken time to really focus on me and what I want and need and where I want my life to go and what I really want it to look like. I have had time to examine my past, explore my dreams and create an amazing new life. I have taken courses to help me grow and to examine what I really believe and become much happier, mature and peaceful.

I wish I had known that love was still available to me

I wish I know that not everyone is going to reject me because of herpes. There are people in the community of herpes to date and there are also people who don’t have herpes who will see that I am a great person who happens to have herpes. I have a lot more to offer than herpes can take away.

I wished I had known that one day herpes wouldn’t be on my mind night and day

I wished I know herpes is more of an inconvenience than anything else and that the first herpes outbreak is the worst. I had gotten through the worst of it already and I wouldn’t really need to think about it much. It’s been almost a year and I haven’t had another outbreak and most likely won’t again for a long time. Herpes is there but it doesn’t determine what kind of life I am going to have; I do.

I wished I had known that I can still do the things I want to do.

A friend of mine told her story of how she was worried after her herpes diagnosis that she wouldn’t be able to give blood, which was something she wanted to do in honor of her Dad. After being told by one nurse that no she couldn’t donate because she had herpes, she was relieved to find out when she decided to go through the screening process anyway that she could absolutely still give blood.

I wished I had known that having herpes would far outweigh the negatives

I wished I had known that the good that would come out of having herpes would far outweigh the negatives and that, at the end of the day, it is just a skin condition – a cold sore in a tender location, nothing more.

I wished I had known that I would actually be happier as a result of moving through it

Finally, I wished I had known that I would actually be happier as a result of moving through it and it would all be okay. All I needed to do was reach out and to accept myself. And for the first time, I have really done that and that is the gift I received from having herpes – it is all going to be okay and I am amazing just the way I am.

Can herpes be an opportunity?

Herpes? An opportunity? Yeah, I get the confusion. How can those two things even be put in the same sentence? But getting herpes was a real life-changer for me. But in a different way than you might imagine …

I got herpes years ago. In short, I saw herpes as a dead end. I wanted to die. Herpes meant a lot of horrible things to me: It meant I was going to be unloved, rejected, alone. It was the physical manifestation of my worst fear: no one loved me. Name all those heavy emotions — I felt them all. Anger. Shame. Self-pity. Disgust. Despair. Loneliness. Hopelessness. And eventually … numbness. Underneath it all was the question, “Am I really worthy of love?” I was terrified of the answer; so I suppressed even asking myself the question. Denial was my key to not feeling. A self-fulfilling prophecy set in.

Fast forward many years …

Numbing my pain had the unfortunate side effect of numbing my joy, too. Feeling, it turns out, is an equal opportunity experience. I had connected to something meaningful. I turn 30. I’ve only grown more alone and ashamed of myself. A (premature) mid-life crisis lovingly slaps me across the face. What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? I’m emotionally constipated. I scour the internet for possible answers. After a few self-development seminars run by some amazing life coaches, I have an undeniable epiphany: It wasn’t the herpes that was holding me back at all — it was myself! The herpes had become a story that I chose to believe, a physical saboteur, if you will. It became a negative perspective that I found myself entrenched in. As I connected more deeply to my own fear of disconnection, the more connected I felt to what was real. I cried. A lot. I also laughed. A lot. I felt more deeply and fully than I ever had. Numbing my pain had the unfortunate side effect of numbing my joy, too. Feeling, it turns out, is an equal opportunity experience. I had connected to something meaningful.

I came to realize that herpes has been my doorway to greater self-awareness, to greater self-love, acceptance and compassion. This process has been a felt experience of the saying “You only accept the love you think you deserve.” Herpes is a touchstone to those parts of myself that are actually only ghosts of past beliefs. The more I saw herpes as a story I told myself, the more I saw the other stories I had made up about myself. This process allows me to see my authentic core, stripped of the externalities. It flipped my perspective from “herpes as obstacle” to “herpes as opportunity” — or pulling back to the meta-view of “life experience as opportunity.” An opportunity to see our true selves.

The healing process continues for me, only now it includes others. I am inspired to help those who feel alone in their experience of herpes, who feel that they are at a dead end. I am a herpes life coach. I have a blog named Herpes Life and an over-the-phone herpes support group called The Herpes Opportunity.

So yes, herpes has changed my life. It compelled me to find my purpose: to take the opportunity to connect with who we are once the stories are stripped away … and to be in awe of the beauty we are left with.

I am not a victim of my herpes

I am not a victim.

Yes HSV is unfortunate. Yes it is a struggle for me. Yes it is not fair that I contracted it.

But I am not a victim.

I choose to rise from this struggle and embrace growth. I decide.

I decide that ">HSV is not a burden- It is a tool. It is a tool I will use to grow in self love and care. Since my diagnosis, I have already seen growth in measures I take to respect myself.

HSV is a tool that grows my compassion and empathy for others. Receiving my diagnosis was one of the first times in my life that I have truly faced a stigma. It has opened my eyes to privilege I have thoughtlessly enjoyed. I have become more aware of hidden, difficult struggles others face. Everyone is fighting their own battle.

HSV is a tool that I will use to deepen and strengthen my relationships. Being vulnerable with people I select is a gift. It shows honesty, courage, and care. It shows my resilience.

I chose to let go of bitterness and resentment. I will not resent the stigma. I will not resent rejection. I will not resent misinformation and faulty education about herpes. It does exist. It is present. It is something I have to face. But bitterness and resentment do not serve me. It is a slow, toxic build that I will not allow inside my precious mind. I will not let it steal any more time from my days. I decide to let that shit go.

When confronted with these realities, I will patiently and kindly educate and inform. I will accept that others' responses are not something I can control. But I can control my response. I will respond with self-love and care. ">I will not accept false perceptions of HSV. That is not my reality.

When stigma and false perception enter my mind (e.g. No one will love me, I should be ashamed), I will kindly and actively counter those thoughts with a positive and true belief. I am worthy and deserving of love. HSV is not shameful, it is not embarrassing. It is a common, normal virus that anyone can contract.

HSV happened for me to grow. Yes it is painful and difficult at times but it is powerful. I will become stronger, gentler, kinder, more confident. I am not a victim.

If you were just diagnosed: ITS GOING TO BE OK

I was diagnosed with type 1 and 2 genital herpes a couple months ago. When I was diagnosed I felt like COMPLETE shit. Disgusted with myself, expecting a pitiful sex life, and utterly confused. I just stayed in my room, smoked weed, skipped school, and played video games for about a week straight.

(I am a very promiscuous guy in college and felt my sex life would be tarnished, no girlfriend, ect.)

Fast forward to today and everything is different! I have disclosed to every partner since and have not been rejected once. I just got a new girlfriend who is drop dead gorgeous and loves me.

Don't get lost in the stigma. You have no reason to feel bad or ashamed, none. Herpes is so common and chances are the person who gave it to you didn't even know they had it. Yet you do and it's something you can't forget.

Remember how you felt when you were diagnosed? ...Yeah don't be the person to pass that to someone else, you should really disclose.

But long story short, this moment, this feeling, is only a page in a chapter in the book of your life. I fucking believe in you. Know why? Because I was RIGHT THERE too. Skimming articles, getting statistics, (I would even put on safe search so no one would see I have herpes if they saw my history) trying and failing not to have a complete melt down. Guess what though? I'm fine, I'm strong, I moved on... and you will too .

I mean it. I'm glad I have herpes

It's annoying. The stigma is real. The toll it took on my self-esteem right after getting diagnosed was huge and terrible. I thought at the time that it would be the end of everything.

Now I'm kind of glad though. Because of herpes, I'm an open book. To get practice disclosing, I started telling all my friends and people at parties that I have it, sometimes people I'd never see again or had no sexual interest in. I just casually introduce it as a fact in conversation, sometimes to spark discussion about what that means and how common it is, but other times, just to describe a part of myself, and to do it without drama and tears and a feeling like the world is going to end because I said something.

Herpes has made me more tolerant, more compassionate and helped me define some clear sexual boundaries. I disclose beforehand. End of discussion. Before herpes, I was totally clueless about STIs, I was just afraid of getting pregnant. I thought the other couldn't touch me because I was young, healthy, and the people I'd be with seemed like that too. Because of herpes, I'm now a much bigger advocate for safe sex -- not just for me, but for my friends. I'm smarter about sex in general and I'm not afraid to ask someone about their STI history, or to demand that they be open about it/use protection/etc. Some of my friends still engage in risky behavior, not using protection/crazy casual hookups/etc. I've became a much bigger source of strength to friends who are like that, and have had STI scares themselves. They come to me, they ask me for help, they know they can count on me not to judge or be freaked out. And I tell them the truth: no STI is the end of the world, but you need to be safe, and here's why.

I can't say that everything is perfect -- I definitely still have days where it bums me out. Sometimes I miss just the spontaneous joy of casual sex without the need to disclose something heavy first. I've dated people who had their own hangups about it, and it's impacted me. But honestly? I'm still okay. I'm still a cool girl regardless. Because I have herpes, and I've experienced the terrible panic/depression/fear that getting diagnosed brings but I survived it, I know I can pretty much survive anything. It helps put a lot of things in perspective.

After spending an afternoon reading , I feel like more of us HSV+ folks need to stop rushing to embrace the stigma and internalizing it all so much. That's so dangerous. We're not inherently worth less now just because this stupid rash virus is with us now. I'm not unclean, skanky, dirty or undeserving of love or casual sex just because I have an STI. I don't want to settle ever, for anything. I shouldn't feel the need to cling to failing relationships or tolerate abuse of any kind whatsoever because I feel I'll never find anyone else who will want to be with me. Seriously, who cares? So long as you tell people first, just live your life. If they act shocked or reject you for it, why does it matter? Big chances are they were fucking assholes anyway. And either way, I don't want someone to love me in spite of having herpes. I want someone who admires and respects the hell out of me anyway, but especially -- ESPECIALLY -- because I've lived with this and I'm not ashamed of myself for it.

I refuse to let anything take away my right to happiness and a good life, especially something as completely dumb as herpes. Most of all, I'm glad I have herpes because it's helped me realize nothing has the power to ruin my life, unless I let it first.

It’s been 4 years since I contracted HSV2.

My first outbreak was awful. I was in bed for almost two weeks with unrelenting pain, fever, swollen lymph nodes, headaches, body aches, the works. I went to a clinic for urgent care, was told it was an ingrown hair and to take ibuprofen. I went back a few days later and demanded a swab, and got confirmation of what I already knew. Got a prescription for Acyclovir, if I recall it was just enough to last a week or so. Less than a month later I had a second outbreak, almost as bad as the first, got another prescription for ten days. Then another outbreak and I cried to the doctor at the clinic asking for daily suppressives. Got a prescription for 400mg a day for a month. It went on like this for a while, dropping $200 a visit to basically beg for medication, so I started buying medication online, a real pain and very expensive and shady at best. I tried to stretch my meds and only take it when I was stressed or about to have my period. For almost two years I had monthly outbreaks I’d try to deal with. Outbreaks that would last for weeks, and before they’d even heal another would be cropping up. A lot of pain, frustration, despair, and hopelessness. I also had nerve pain that shot down the backs of my legs, in my groin and buttocks, causing me to flinch, yell, jump, ache, cry etc. Herpetic neuralgia!

It doesn’t help I have an anxiety disorder as well as borderline personality disorder (stress, and intense mood swings which are both triggers for me).

Finally I went on daily suppressive therapy about two years ago, I talked to a clinic doctor who intimately and personally understood my condition (she had it too), and she listened to me when I said “look, I have to take 400mg twice a day or else I get constant outbreaks, I have anxiety and I get nerve pains from it and it just isn’t going away”. Sent on my way with a year’s prescription for 800 mg a day. I’ve gone back for my yearly and got my prescription extended for another year. (I don’t have insurance so I just pay out of pocket to the local clinic, they’ll see me same day, walk in, no waiting).

That brings us to now, and I finally feel like I have some agency. Ironically I’m having my first outbreak in a really long time, complete with nerve pain and all (a string of events lead up to it; I forgot my meds twice in a week, didn’t get enough sleep, had wild rough sex with my partner - totally worth it). But I don’t feel hopeless about it. This is the anomaly now, not the norm.

I’ve also had no problems dating since my diagnosis, I’ve been upfront and well received each time, and so far to my knowledge no one has contracted it from me. I am as safe as possible in that we avoid if I’m having symptoms (had some dry spells those first two years!!), and that’s been about it.

Just wanted to share this for anyone who might have just gotten diagnosed and can’t picture what their life will look like.

Most likely your case won’t be this bad, as I get that I am kind of the worst-case scenario, what with recurrent hair-trigger outbreaks and neuralgia, but even I’ve found something that works and made peace with it.

And advice I wish I’d gotten: if it’s been one year and you’ve already had 20 outbreaks, don’t be afraid to ask for daily suppressive therapy! You don’t have to suffer like that.

Why having herpes is not a bad thing

I think it is safe to say that I have had one of the longest primary outbreaks. I am sure everyone has read my many updates, bitching about more lesions appearing and my desire to reach the end. I think I have also clarified that other than the very beginning I have been in no pain, and barely any discomfort - there is the odd itch, but I have a vagina, it itches from time to time, and I hear balls do that too - so it is safe to say genitals can itch. NO BIG DEAL.

The absolutely ONLY THING that has changed in my life is the definite lack of PIV and oral sex - receiving - for me. That is it. NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED. And notice I did not say lack of sex. Even in the middle of my primary outbreak I have been dating, meeting new people and getting intimate with them. They cum, I cum, we have a good time and there are absolutely no complaints on either side. Sure I have disclosed to some people and they have turned me down. But no one that I have actually met in person has turned me down. NO ONE.

As I said in reply to that nasty post:

If you are going to use my primary outbreak from hell as an example - that example will be that herpes is not a big deal unless you allow it to be.

Now I want to mention the few things that having herpes has actually improved for me:

I've been having nightly epsom salt baths most evenings to help speed the healing of my lesions, and I realized this morning that since starting that I have not woken up once in the middle of the night. I used to wake up a few nights a week and lay awake stressing about stupid shit, that does not happen anymore because I take time to relax before bed.
I have finally added the proper amount of vegetables to my diet, lost a few pounds because of it.
I avoided getting intimate with someone who thought all STIs, including HSV could be CURED COMPLETELY and hence he did not worry about "those stuffs". My GHSV 1 disclosure opened that conversation up and boy was I glad for that. I love casual sex, but I need my partners to play safe and to understand the risks.
I was motivated to finally find a GP that I was comfortable telling everything to and who would actually listen to me instead of just brushing me off.
I met a new friend at the herpes support group in my city
I was reminded again just how close of a relationship I have with my brothers and my close friends

So, overall GHSV 1 has way more positives than negatives and honestly at this point if someone could wave a magic wand and erase the last three months of my life I don't think I would take them up on it. I am very happy with where I am, what I have learned and how herpes has changed me for the better.

Sharing my herpes story could bring inspiration and hope to others

At the young age of 18 I was in a night club partying my face off and I kept feeling this awful tingle in my labia that itched so badly. I wanted to scratch it but I couldn't do it there on the club floor. So I went into the bathroom and after using the bathroom I wiped myself and used a fresh tissue to try to massage the itch away, but it only made it itch more intense. I put one leg up and maneuvered in a very awkward position to see what was going on, that's when I saw what looked like a white head pimple but shiny and would not pop! It sent a weird sensation in my groin area, which I now have come to learn as nerve pain. Determined I squeezed the living hell out of it until it finally ruptured and as it did I felt the most immense pain ever! But I no longer itched. Then I looked up at the bathroom stall door, and as I could hear the build up of an amazing house DJ, I knew, I had herpes. I remember feeling panic and hurt and thinking I was doomed to death. So I washed my hands and did what ever party favor I could get my hands on that night to try to drown my sorrows.

14 years later, I sit here today able to reflect back on that moment, that moment where I felt all hope was lost. I remember thinking, I trusted that guy. You know that guy I had unprotected sex with, who really didn't give a darn about me. Well, I made my bed and now I lay in it.

I had to tell my mom about it because I lived in her house and I was covered under her insurance. My first outbreak was horrible. My labia itched so badly and the lips swelled up to 5 times their size. It was so painful and horrific. My mom had me sit in a tub with salt and tried to calm me down. I cried and cried and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I had allowed myself to catch herpes.

Since that first our break, I will get only a couple a year, maybe only one. I know that keeping my stress levels down and eating a healthy diet, help my body to avoid the out breaks. I have paid attention to when the symptoms start. If you are a woman, you may want to consider my triggers.

1. one to two weeks before my period when my hormones shift, i begin to feel the nerve pains in my groin, legs and bottom. I begin to have itching sensations that are not alleviated through scratching in or near my rectum and my clitoral area.

2. highly stressful times in my life seem to trigger them

That's all! So if you experience this, know that your body is shedding the virus and responsibly abstain from sex, or oral sex.

How herpe has affect my dating life

My first love of my life.. accepted me for the herpes. We dated for at least 4-5 months before I told him. He was shocked at first, but he got to know me for who I am and saw past that. Having educated myself with a lot of info, I told him how sex and intimacy was possible for the uninfected and the infected. What types of precautions to take and that was that. We had a healthy sex life for three years. Its unfortunate we grew apart a bit, but, we are still the best of friends.

Since then it has been important to me to divulge the information with all of my partners. As taboo as it sounds, its not as frowned upon as you think. I have had relationships with doctors, who even felt comfortable enough that we didn't use protection. I am not encouraging unprotected sex, but when your both educated enough and you learn your body and your honest with yourself and your partner, you can have a more relaxed sexual encounter.

So my point is, its not the end of the world. you may go through years of horrible outbreaks, one every month perhaps, like I did. But over time, they became less and less, to maybe one or two a year, and they last only a day or two.

I also thought I would mention that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who is virus free. I did not deliver him vaginally, but I have been told its totally possible and we did attempt it, I just wouldn't dilate. The doctors gave me a medication (can't remember the name) while on bed rest in the hospital to help minimize the risk of infection to the baby. I breast fed him for 18 months and he is perfect!

The only difference in my life now is as a single woman, I need to responsibly inform my potential partner of my herpes and let them make the choice if they want to have intimacy. Honestly at 32 and a single mom, I dont even want to bother with it. Most men just see me and want me for sex because of how I look, but I am just waiting for the right guy who wants me for me :-)

Some tips for soothing the outbreaks and lesions that worked for me.

1. Bathing in Epsom salts
2. applying tea tree oil to the lesions several times a day. i did every time I used the toilet. This has fantastic healing properties and dries out the lesions quicker. But I will warn you, IT BURNS, but it will not last long, just fight through the burn. Then you will find relief!
3. Shave the body or genital/rectal area where you think your getting a lesion. Them having a clean, dry area where air can get to it will help them heal quicker.
4. Don't pick the scabs once they scab over. You don't want scars. Just keep applying tea tree oil. Once the scab forms you can add vitamin E oil on top of the tea tree oil.

I have been diagnosed with genital herpes almost 10 years ago

I have been diagnosed with genital herpes almost 10 years ago. I don't know which type it is or how I got it because the person I was having sex with claimed that she did not have it. I have lived abstinent of sex, intimacy, relationships, and love for almost 10 years. I allowed myself to live in fear, shame, self hatred, and in hiding for years.

I recently had protected sex with someone I care about but did not disclose myself until a month after we became intimate and continued to be intimate. The pain within me was intense. I forced myself to tell her. She felt angry, betrayed, disrespected and hurt. I apologized to her for all of the weight of what I have done to her. I explained to her the truth, what it is I'm living with, the facts about it, my history and the unacceptability of having sex with her without telling her that I am living with the parasite that causes herpes. I was so conflicted because I care for her as a person yet did not respect her as a person by being truthful from the beginning. People don't do that to people, friends don't do things such as that to friends.

After speaking with her she accepted my apology and forgave me and explained to me that she was not angry with my allowing the risk of her becoming infected with the parasite/virus, she was angry at the fact that I withheld the truth from her from the beginning. She decided that she doesn´t want to see me again. I spent years hiding from myself and denying my own truth. That life is over for me. My life is being lived with transparency, courage, truthfulness, fearless communication, trust, respect, honour, and love.

I care for the well being of people. Bringing pain unto someone in anyway is unacceptable and is painful to accept my decision to allow myself to abstain from telling her the truth about what I was living with. Using condoms every time does not justify my decision. It just expresses concern within hiding and fear.

I don't hate myself, but it hurts me immensely to know that I hurt my friend. She got tested for everything today. No one deserves to be lied to or treated inconsiderately. I'd rather live my life transparently within the truth of what I'm living in regardless if one accepts me or not than live in fear, hiding, and inconsideration to myself and others.

I will not be confined to this shit any longer. This shit that I've allowed to exist. I've decided to discard this shit, this fear, this shame, this denial, this depression, this sadness, this pain. I haven't given myself the gift of acceptance, transparency and freedom for many years. My life is only allowed to be such a way. I will only tolerate truthfulness and transparency within me and outside of me. No secrets.

I´ve accepted that I am not alone in this process. Still my decisions matter. To learn all I can about this parasite\virus, cleanse my body of the shit that supports it and do what it takes to cleanse my mind and my body of this thing as well as the debilitating habits that I´ve created along the years. It´s possible to be in a relationship with transparency and truthfulness.

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